...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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