When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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