I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize