Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
