I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize