We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
