He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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