she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
