im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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