She went from zero to smokin in five shots
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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