You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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