Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
