I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
