I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
