so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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