I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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