I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
