wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
