Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
