oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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