I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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