ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
