I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
