At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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