peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
