Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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