I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
