Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Two words: blizzard sex
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
