her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
