By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
