I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
