Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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