I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
