the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize