Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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