I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
