i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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