I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
