I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
