peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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