I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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