the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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