he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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