I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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