Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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