Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
