so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
