I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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