I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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