dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
