I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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