You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
