Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize