I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
be right there i have to get my cape
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
