the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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