the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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