A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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