Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
