you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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