I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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