so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize