I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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