my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
