i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
