Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
